Who I Want to Be

After years of carrying a nagging burden, a recent series of events has made an honest woman out of me. At long last, the number on my vintage bathroom scales matches the one on my driver’s license.

Who was I trying to fool? People only look at my license when I am standing directly in front of them and my actual size is abundantly evident.

Why did I care? In the not so unlikely event that an officer stops me, do I think he will show more mercy on a more petite woman? Well, yes, I do. However, to my knowledge, there is no sliding scale of fines based on the weight of the one ticketed.

Weight is a relatively inconsequential problem, but it illustrates a personal default. I am troubled by the ease with which I lie to myself, a subject I covered in a previous blog post. This flaw is particularly disappointing because I strive in all areas to be open and above board. I am repulsed by lies and gravitate toward truth.

I recently acquired some insight into this discrepancy between who I announce myself to be and how I actually behave. The term is aspirational value. Learning the difference between aspirational values and actualized ones provides a ray of hope to this troubled soul. 

Aspirational values propel you toward a better future. Aspirational values provide you a benchmark for improvement. They are an incentive and often a pacesetter. The lower weight I claimed was an aspirational value, representing how I saw myself and serving as a goal to reach.

I am scrutinizing the discrepancies between who I am and who I claim to be in light of my intentions to be the woman I want to become. Sometimes I have to face the difficult truth that an area of self-talk holds no basis in either fact or aspiration. I can declare it a lie and walk away. More often than not, I see that who I say I am paints an inspiring picture of who I long to be.

When you hear me declare I am a something other than who you know me to be, offer me grace. I am a woman in process, longing to be more than I currently am.

But one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.  (Philippians 3:13-14 Amplified Bible)